Prairiecrow's InsaneJournal

Awake again (after 17 hours asleep) and not sure how I'm feeling.

The exhaustion might be a stealthy form of depression. I'm one of those people who experiences hypersomnia rather than insomnia, and when I tried to take my emotional temperature just now I came up with the equivalent of the Magic 8-Ball's "Reply hazy, try again".

The emotional disconnect could also be a flare up of my borderline personality disorder. If it is, then another dish has been added to the smorgasbord of dysfunction the last several weeks have served up. Oh, joy.

I'll see how I feel -- if I feel anything -- after I've had some coffee and woken up a bit. All I really want to do is crawl right back into bed. That, however, is not an option.

I just tried to exercise (low impact aerobics) and failed. I got through the warm up and about five minutes into the workout, and then suddenly felt as if all the strength had drained from the right side of my body. I literally couldn't continue.

But I did get in the sit ups, push ups, and free weights. Not much, but at least it's something.

Looking back over my diabetes and mood logs I realize what a shithole the last few days have been -- ever since April 8th, when I was hit with almost crippling fatigue, and then progressing through various flavors of mental and emotional suffering. Today I still feel quite weak and vulnerable.

But soon there will be fresh coffee and that will make things just a tiny bit better. Ye Gods, I am such a caffeine whore. Or is that "john"?

Well, I'm not doing anything outside the house today. Depression is lying in the marrow of my bones like leaded sand. I'm having a hard time thinking straight. Even my eyes ache.

I suppose I'll tackle the MM beast again. Dammit, I'm so far behind on my deadline. These last several weeks have definitely not been my finest.

To make this post worthwhile, here's a link to the cat litter cake I was talking about a couple of days ago:

http://www.boingboing.net/2008/03/31/cat-litter-cake-is-b.html

And a guide on how to make one, with pictures:

http://picasaweb.google.com/jokestress/CatLitterCake

I'm afraid folks will have to supply their own witty commentary. My wit well is dry.

I just got up twenty minutes ago. The alarm kept ringing, and I kept setting it for half an hour more and rolling back over.

Hello, depression, my old friend.

And what's sadder, it looks like today's a bad day for most of the people on my Friends list as well. What is it, something in the air?

*sigh*

Here's a big virtual (((hug))) to everyone reading this who needs one, and that time-worn statement, "Hang in there!". I'll try to get around to commenting on your individual posts after I've had some coffee.

But hey, look! I has made an online painting:


Click here to create your own painting.

Sometimes little distractions help. Especially when they result in something pretty.

I was just transferring the cooked baron of beef roast to a serving plate when depression hit me in a slow wave. It felt as if something inside me had suddenly lain down and died.

Sometimes it hits that fast. And I'm not sure how long it will last, which is the real bitch of the matter.

Ah, well. *digs in and battens down the hatches* I'll just have to take it hour to hour and minute to minute if necessary, getting through the small steps of the day. That I'm able to think in those terms tells me that I'm still in the upper reaches of depression, not truly into the numbing, incapacitating depths.

More coffee is on. And the roast turned out pretty well. Here's hoping that tomorrow I won't be deeper in, since I have the second Wen-Do class to attend.

Back to work.